Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Mandee's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, February 16th, 2005
3:09 pm	Sam M. = Bill Sam Fluffy = Sam. Last night was interesting.. Very... Perverted. I'll leave that at that. This morning was cool. Hung out with people..Sam couldn't stop laughing. Latex gloves. I hang out there for a bit, then go over to Derek with Bill. I go toooo First- Twas boring..talked to Patrick about random things, like shiny stuff, and how eyes move lol Second- PE weee!! Omg, I scored 12 pts in volleyball =) woot!! Third- James gave me a note from Bill, I responded to it..I was all worried too ^_~. Fourth- Talked to Mel..easiest thing ever in that class Fifth- Talked to Chelsey alottt! Somewhat James, he kept coming over to me lol..ahhh attachative. Lunch- o.o I feel so poor, I honestly need to repay Bill for stuff ^_~. Ahh tickleness, and he is invulnerable!! ahh im so defenseless. My damned EYELID is ticklish. WTF. That drink is freeeezing. Sixth- I moved in my seat and then I heard a "clink" and guess what? A QUARTER! lol im rich! I was also HYPER. Patrick noticed and was scared of me. I kept sounding perverted, but I didnt mean to be, cause I was talking about an unpervy subject. lol oh well. Seventh- SLEPT. like always. After school- Hung out with everyone, lol. Dustin nearly hugged me. IM SO HUGGING HIM TOMMORROW lmao! Haha. He's such a wierd little kid, but he seems nice. Haha hmm then k everyone leaves, and I hug everyone...Sam too, AHH. lol Latex..831 lol. Mm So then Bill, James, and I walk to go home. Omg, James grabbed me and Bill put my book in a tree, and so I had to get James off me so I accidently grabbed his ass lmao!!He let go! Hahaha anyways. So we walk away and then my dad shows up and James went running after him saying "Daddy!" then my dad stood infront of a pole with his arms open -twitch- lol i'd lmao if my dad ran back. Then he tosses the keys to me, so I go over and sit down. Bill sits beside me, haha , boy it was pervy convo central..but I liked it when he put his arm around  me, I felt happy. Haha he did the whole "-stretches-" thing. Cute. Then I had to go unfortuantly. Then drama. Mozelle might switch schools..Im sad. Current Mood: curious Current Music: "Promises" by Adema
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Tuesday, February 15th, 2005
12:50 am	Love is 4 letters... as is Hurt. Unfortuantly...they both involve eachother. Pull the trigger. Everyone who knows, knows I deserve it. Current Mood: Torn apart Current Music: TATU "All the things she said"
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Monday, February 14th, 2005
5:39 pm	Dear me, You have no patience. Emotions consume you. Ps [James is a cold hearted liar] Current Mood: creative Current Music: Kmfdm "Anarchy"
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12:31 am	Today I've just had indepth talk after talk..and secret after secret. It was insane. But, it made me feel alot better. I cried when talking to Mozelle..the fact that she can trust me alot and talk to me about anything.. Its just amazing. Her and Mayleens friendship is beyond incredible. I was glad to open up to Anthony, he now..is less depressed, which is really wonderful. I've thrown away my mask, there is no point to it..How will you know if anyone really likes you when all they have known is a cover-up for you? 30 minutes could alter anyones life. 30 minutes to take all the pain. I did go to the mall, but my mother, was breathing down my neck because I was grounded, and she was worried..she hates malls. I was still able too meet up with Mozelle, Sam, Tim, Kristen, Jon, and Steven. That was really cool. The first thing my mom asked/said was if I liked Sam. Whoa. Anyways, she commented on his eyes, how beautiful they are. And after like 20 minutes of meeting him, she already concluded that he liked me. Go mom with the unnatural ability to know things. Mark and Anthony kissed, one of the most adorable things EVER. My day was good, thankfully, another good day. Happy V-day <333. Ps [Andrew is creepy, dont give him address] Pss {I have GOODIE bags!!} Current Mood: awake Current Music: T.A.T.U. - 30 minutes
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Thursday, February 10th, 2005
3:24 pm	K yeaaaah. I totally f-ed up my fast. I had: TWO cupcakes. 2 1/2 cookies <girl scout 1/4th of a poptart a handful of cereal AND a piece of Candy's cake. WTFH god Im so fucking lame Oh well...this day WAS filled w/ b-days. anyways. Jon wasnt here this morning...so I hung with derek n his buddz. That was pretty cool. 1st- Was bored..took notes...eh thats it. 1st->2nd- Omg k Jon IS here Whooo!! 2nd- lost like fuck cause I was on the shorties side dude.. damn OMG AND NITI IS GETTING ME THE MOST AWESOMENESSURNESS PEN EVER!!!! 3rd- mm nuttin worked, thats it 3rd-4th- saw friend in class wit derek..omg I SOOOO didnt kno she had that class. 4th- teach = sick = borin. 5th- eh, teacher got mad and gave lecture, fucker. James n sam talked to me...James rubbed my leg -twerk- lunch- got cewkies from tabe, haha YUMM. I didndt go wit James to tha library..haha I went wit Sam to eh lunch lol. 6th- test HARD 6th-7th- OMG GOT SPORK!! YUS A FUCKING SPORK!! 7th- slept Afterschool- hung wit everyone...was semi-bored as hell lol left early with James and got cake, and he put his shoes in my locker lol eww. yeah ive been rather happy..for several different reasons =)
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Saturday, February 5th, 2005
3:17 pm	Ana.. "Yes dear?" Im not happy. </3 Goodbye sunshine. Welcome hurricane. Two roads. One life. One mind. Two choices.
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Monday, January 31st, 2005
6:01 pm	Yeah Imma be a detail whore today.. Morning- Went to Kroger...got teh Munstah drink! Dad kept me grading damn papaers(also he made me forget the guy from El Dolarado..lol Julio...and..?)..it was raining...I always wanted to hold hands with someone in the rain, hug them, and kiss them. Anyways lol..yeah.. I went to theee hall with my..dun dun dun! Monster drink. Talked to everyone..Jon was completely obsessing and oogling anime.But he was still so adorable and huggie like~~!!! that was totally great =) It was wonderful to see him smile so much =). Then Russel invited me to do to some DDR party..wierd... He has vampiric teeth.. Sam got new pants!! they look positivly spiffy. So hmm I had like 5 minutes till the bell rang so Im like ouukay I need to go to Derek now, so I do. Chelseys there..wtf..wow. I got huggled by Derek..haha awwe lol a real hug =) hmm chatted for a bit, then went toleave..he gave an odd hug, I got embarrised for stuff, but hey we all have wierd moments, best to laugh at self and go on =) First period-Teacher was late..and we watched a movie that was like a play and it was called "Death to the Salesman" OMG and NO quiz. Kick sooo much ass!! OMG and k I was sitting down then a MOVIE comes FLYING past my head, missing by centimeters, I freaked out SO much LOL. The movie scared me, so I read my book The Vampire Armond. First to Second- Walked with Jon n talked to Chelsie a wee bit, then left...I was still really hyper.. Went down to the whole gang, Sam went up to me and was curious where James was, well I honestly didnt relise he wasnt there, so i dunno. Second- Played b-ball, won one, lost one =) I was reallllyyy dizzy and shakkie after playing too. Candii gave my FLCL to give to Jon. Niti split a diet cherry coke with me =). Second to Third- Jon didnt sho, so I walked alone..after walking with Niti that is. Derek looked mad or uncareing..eep. Third- was shakie and dizzy alllll period LONG. Watched Rudy. Omg was I hunnngry, and I uhm I read the mini FLCL comic thing =) It was really wierd.. =| Third to Fourth- I was SOOO pissed the fuck off at Juan. He took my razor, I WASNT GUNNA FUCKING USE IT. I fucking FAUGHT for it, but the bitch didnt let go of my fucking bag! I was gunna fucking SHOW soemone and he just fucking took it! IT WAS FUCKING MINE ASSHOLE. -growls- and I made J'en late cause she waited for me..and if that fucking BITCH didnt take my razor I wouldnt have been late. Fucker. Im sorry u were late J'en. Fourth- Was shaking with anger for whole period. Imma fucking kill Juan if he threw it away. Forgot shit on quiz, but got an 80 on the other. Did review. Fourth to Fifth- Walked with J'en, hug, then to class. Fifth- Class was boring, James wasnt there. Sam went to the "nurse" cause he didnt have his sheet thingie, so it was a cheap way to go to the bathroom. Damn this teacher is annoying, I couldnt even sleep her voice was that bad. Went over wksts... Lunch- Calmer than usual. OMG I got the CUTEST picture of Cat and Stevie cuddlin!! Cat attacked me too with Reeses of DOOM. Sam didnt take a picture -frown- lol omg I told him about the armless retard, he loved it and couldnt stop laughing..aka salad fingers =)anyways Lunch ends and we go off. Sam had his arm around me and was trying to run me into people lol ass. And he took the FLCL dvd and put it up his shirt, so I latched onto him and didnt let go, no matter what, I was gunna get that dvd. Omg then Derek comes and HELPS Sam RAWR but then he ties his shoeee. Then I get the dvd back cause he gave it to cat and I said it was for Jon and it was, so I got it back. k then Derek sayssss his knees thing, then Sam's like "Yeah I know how to too" Then he grabs my pressure point in my neckish area and OMG that hurt, I was going to hit him hard it the diaphram but decided against it. Im to nice. Goddamn me. Well I got to hug Derek and we all had to go by the time Jon got here, awe..I hugged him to and went to class. Sixth- I tried to be a sneaky whore and change seats. Didnt work..blasphemy. Watched rest of movie and got a bad grade on the quiz, awe drats. Sixth to Seventh- Didnt see juan, was mad. Jon didnt sho up, was sad. Awe darnet. Seventh- Whore=teacher. No talking o.o!! rawrrr. lol Kyle n I had a paperball fight it was fun heehee, he is suh an ass to the teacher. haha its awesome. Thats the gist of it, Ihave a nasty bruise on my arm, and t hurts alot. owww lol. Love you guys, Mandee.
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5:45 pm	Hmm okay my day.. Before school was great...talked to rachel and chels about salad fingers =) Sean tackled me Sam..well..he got drunk off of Sobe. =P Then everyone got there, I was all happified..I was glad jon was there..Idk why but I missed him alot.. The I went over to say hey to Derek. Then Amanda came over..odd.. Then its time to gooo 1st- boring..had a nasty sub lol..blah didnt have book = didnt do work. 1st->2nd. Walked down to the "group" and chilled for a bit 2nd- wasnt late, yay! Uhnn right when I got in Niti interrogated me thinking I cut..then candy did, ahhh -dies- Basketball was fun, played with theresa...dunno how to spell her name lol Niti took my razor, that whore. 2nd-> 3rd- Niti walked with me for a bit, finding out info about the fast. Then MUCH later I met up with Jon..lol he was argueing about...anime! lol Then walked with Juan and..some girl LOL outside 3rd- video..lol..the teacher was reading the bands on ym bookbaggie and he was like ":O does your dad know??" I just laughed. Omg and Izzy had yummie candies..lol I had 2, couldnt be rude. 3rd->4th- RAWR Juan stole my fucking OTHER blade..I faught for it, and got cut along the way, bitch. Walked with J'en to class.. 4th- boring, to the damn maxx. and quiz rawr 4th->5th- well nothin really, sam walked buy..stole a hug then walked with sam and james to class 5th- boring..got a 97 on this thing in bio..then uh talked with chelsey and sam for a bit, kinda james..but it was boring...copied chelseys work =) Lunch- Omg okay molestville!! Gwwwwar. By both James and Sam..got poked alot..and hugged..and tickled..and molested. I hit sam and James in the nuts. Then on the way to 6th I saw derek, hugz. Sam messed with me. Jon came finally, then we al had to go to class. 6th- movie, funny actually... "kings whore!!" Then Spencer tickled me and I hit him, and I hit chris and tickled him muwhahaha. 6th->7th- walked with Jon, Izzy didnt sho up so I jus went to class 7th- talked to kyle..omg lol hes wierd... After school- hugged everyong tried to warm Jon up Carried James hooked arms with Dave and James...daves my new bitch It was cold..and wet...brr...lol
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Sunday, January 30th, 2005
5:58 pm	Have you ever wondered which hurts the most? Saying something and wishing you hadn't? or saying nothing and wishing you had? I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say. Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them.If you do, they might break your heart...if you don't,you might break theirs. Have you ever decided not to become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person?Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't.You can't tell your heart what to do. It does it on its own....when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to. Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you? Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or even at all. Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle?We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger.Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done, or could have had. *What would you do if every time you fell in love you had to say good-bye? *What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there? *What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt?(even if it is that you don't care anymore)*What would you do if you loved someone more than ever and you couldn't have them? *What would you do if you never got the chance to say I am friends with all of my family and they know I love them?* People live, but people die. And I want to tell you that you are a friend. If you died tomorrow,you would be in my heart!!!Would I be in yours? If you care about me as much as I care about you, you will respond to this post. You might be best friends one year, pretty good friends the next year, don't talk that often the next, and don't want to talk at all the year after that. So, I just wanted to say, even if I never talk to you again in my life, you are special to me and you have made a difference in my life,look up to you, respect you, and truly cherish you. Let old friends know you haven't forgotten them, and tell new friends you never will. Remember,everyone needs a friend, someday you might feel like you have NO FRIENDS at all, just remember and take comfort in knowing somebody out there cares about you and .. always will.. I LOVE YOU!!!! Current Mood: accomplished
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8:22 am	I complete no one. </3 Maybe it wasnt meant for me. Maybe it just wasnt meant at all.
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Thursday, January 27th, 2005
7:00 pm	..I my friends am going to rant my ass off.. 1..dont u hate it when noone listens?? 2..I try to be positive and I get throw down in the mud...yet still positive, no one cares. My rents are being whores...I nearly got in a fight with jon < I controlled myself from yelling at him because he would not for the LOVE of him listen....My grades are bad..I cant take not cutting.. I cant stay on a fast.. I need to exercise MORE.. I cant seeeem to pass... I fail everyone.. I hurt inside, and smile about it, I cant HELP it.. never again..just never again..just give me two shots in the back of the head, make me dead... Im tired of trying.. Im tired of forgiving.. Im tired of everyone being bad.. Im tired of everyone, almost..Im tired of my scars.. Im tired of bieng fat..Im tired of failing.. Im tired of not following thru with things.. Im tired of bieng numb.. Im tired of not seeing anyone I care for at teh rgiht time.. Im tired of lying to myself.. Im tired of waking up.. Im tired of talking.. Im tired of bieng poor.. Im tired of not able to help... Im tired of moving.. Im tired of me.. Im tired of trusting... I may be tired of it, but that doest mean I wont do it/hate it. Im sick of drama. Leave me the fuck alone life. Fate is cruel, but can be rewarding.. Fuck you. IM SICK OF NEVER PULLING THE TRIGGER I HATE NOT CUTTING TO DEEP AND IM FUCKING TIRED OF EVERYONE BEING SO FUCKING PESSIMISTIC. Current Mood: pissed off
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3:40 pm	Uh...So okay I wake up at like 4:56 EXPECTING to be wakin up, so I went back to sleep, and woke up at 7:20 like "Oh shit!" then I remembered well that I didnt have to go to school So I watch some movies and talk to Moogies. Then I go to dentist.. I sit in there for over 40 minutes before I am seen, then Im done in overall 1 hr 10 min. Then my dad calls..UGH..so guess what?? I have to go to school. So I get there, everyone is like "wtf mate -hugs-" And I scared James, cause I was pissed off, and I was kinda taking it out on him, he got scared, teeehee sorry hunnie..I didnt mean it! Uhm on the way to 6th I got my picture taken -hiff- and got picked up(by derek...o.o), growl..lol I hate ANY hieghts LOL, Im sad..I know. Then uh, thank god he wasnt tardy, dittums for Jon n I. And okay 6th was a whore with no buyers. It sucked. Bad. Movie= horrid. My mad = worse LOL. Okay then uhm to 7th, nothing really so yeah..WELL Juan was like "OMG" when he saw me here I just laughed LOL.. 7th was as nasty as a stright gay pedophiloiac necrophiliac premature ejaculationg GIRL. Ew, I know. Blah I was totally sick After schhooool- was better but short, I walked with James to the car..it was cool. He really likes to cling on and hug alot. ANd heereeeee I am being bored as FUCK. HOLY FUCK. I DIDNT TOUCH THE SPACE--ERR ENTER BAR AND IT JUMPED DOWN HERE...WTFMATIEEE!!! Har harrr
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7:02 am	TheBeyond105: are u on buddy pic? Lp Manders 16: Nooo Im not, but cool =)! TheBeyond105: damn TheBeyond105: cuz i'll so rate u a ten then later TheBeyond105: lol TheBeyond105: u know what TheBeyond105: ur cool then.. TheBeyond105: come over TheBeyond105: and we can play katamari TheBeyond105: lol Lp Manders 16: ..uh wtf is that? TheBeyond105: it's a video game TheBeyond105: :-) Lp Manders 16: Haha I'll take your word for it, sounds semi-wierd TheBeyond105: lol TheBeyond105: uh TheBeyond105: where do u live? then like right after. TheBeyond105: tell ur dad to drive u here TheBeyond105: lol then LOL... TheBeyond105: how do u not represent him well? TheBeyond105: like lookin at u TheBeyond105: it seems like ur dad would be a cool mofo then..yes more TheBeyond105: :-) TheBeyond105: ur so cool TheBeyond105: lol TheBeyond105: i dunno why TheBeyond105: i thought u would be boring to talk to Lp Manders 16: o.O TheBeyond105: but i actaully enjoy talkin to u TheBeyond105: no offense Wow such a confidence builderupper. Thats Derek =P I dont go to school today!! whee!! but it sucks o.o;;
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Wednesday, January 26th, 2005
6:42 pm	Wednesday, January 26, 2005 Hmm okay anuzzer wittle entry. Before school= I totally was late and I only graded one like stack of papers but oh wull. I met up with every...Sam n I talked about well the well creepy ass salad fingers guy @_# Talked to Derek for a wee bit, along with AManda and hisss 2 friends. Uhh then went to class early to do work, Im such a nerd =) 1st- Uhm boring, majorly..Patrick talked to me about his dick drawing, well it was like a comic dick strip, LMAO okay ILL SHUT UP. 1st->2nd- Walked with Jon, he was a wee bit late..and uh yeha thats it..oh and I saw derek in a hurry, and kelsey being uber cheery. 2nd- Uhhhn. Backmitten. OR WHATEVER. Everyone loves how I react to things, I guess Im assertive. 2nd->3rd- saw Derek with Amanda and J'en I believe. I walked with Sam/Mike for a bit then Juan 3rd- I was very happy, lol the teacher talks to me..its wierd.. 3rd->4th- Met up with Juan and Spencer..DUDE JUAN BIT ME. He fucking BIT me..I was like WTF. ow it hurt LOL. I also got poked alot..-growls- lol 4th- BORING like OMG. Ugh failed quiz, but whatever 4th->5th- nothing. 5th- cool sub, HE LET US OUT EARLY :O! And and like omg. LOL I sat with Sam and James, and they BOTH bit me..OW likw wtf! James bits HARD. Lunch- Hah uhm James gave me uhnn soem cheese,a nd sam gave me part of a cookie, awe how sweet =) BUT OMFG JAMES TOOK MY FUCKING CAMERA. Then put it back, hten took my CELL. My fucking CELL...I wanted to HURT him BAD. and k like I got pokled alot dude like wtf mate. And I saw Derek..AGAIN..like wtf mate. 6th- Like uhm..notes..did homework..uhmm yeah lol free time, awee chris is HILARIOUS when poked teehee. Spencer loveees to poke me, its creepy. 6th->7th- James GIVES back the cell he TOOK from me, grr. I talked to Jon for a bit and uhm went to class lol 7th- boring as fuck..the end Afterschool- James BIT me again, wtf and I hugged everyone and uhm yeah Im home LOL Public - 7:34 PM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it
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Tuesday, January 25th, 2005
4:49 pm	On a more positive not. HAPPY B-DAY SEAN <33 I met Derek!! lol COOL. Lol. Okay ..now yeah LOL before school- I am OFFICIALLY dropping spanish! THANK GOD. Uh JOn omg, he got me the most adeeeruble thing ever. Im still not exactly sure what it was..well..only a few epople did know. Butt wheee thank you! -huggles- uhm 1st- Boring but good lol 2nd- same kinda, but not..lol it was funnnn till I got dizzy and passed out 3rd- fun fun, lol...wheee lol game hehe 4th- OMG BORING BUT OMFG SO EASY. 5th- Boring without James, but overall cool... lunch- awwwe I was like "awwwe Sam always walks me to class, Imm abe alone" then James was like "I'll walk you!" So Im like AWWE lol whee! 6th- pokeful...very lol..and laughfuffble. I couldnt stop at points like omg! lol 7th- boring..I felt really ill..Anum better not forrggeeet Afterschool- was cool..I could tell Jon didnt really like James...=\ James just jokes around alot..-sighs- but alls good Hmm..yeah lol huggles alot..lol Priscilla like didnt let go like omg lol it was cute lol.
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1:41 pm	..Well all of today was wonderful...really and truely...=)) But.. When I got home.. It all went downhill. My dad yelled at me again..I didnt cry this time..but..I am now.. He said that TOMMORROW he was going to fucking SWITCH my school. FUCK no! My mom agree's with me too, like WTF. He didnt sound like he was bluffing..nope.. because of a fucking NOTE. AND THAT BITCH PICKED IT UP. I'm fucking KILLING her..I dont care! Im fucking killing her...SHE JUST FUCKING RUINED MY LIFE. She just took my life away from me..ripped it up..chewed it, and spit it in my face.. I love you all..and I wont let him do this, no..I'll fucking LEAVE if I fucking HAVE TO. No, I am NOT going to fucking cut..I dont fucking care to, I have no urge to..maybe to fucking! SHOOT my dad, but thats it. I fucking HATE you. All you worry about is ME ME ME...well fuck YOU. Just kill your-fucking-self now. Or I'll do it fucking for you. My friends are the only thing keeping me fucking stable...and fucking hell, he wants to rip them away!? And JON omfg! My DAD fucking CROSSED the fucking line this fucking time!!! No way, I wont leave Jon...just fuck you dad..FUCK YOU. I wish I could dstrangle you....wiht your own intestines..I wish I could blind you...stabbing needles in your eyes..I wish i could fucking kill you, torturing you every fucking step of the way. f.e.e.l my H-A-T-E [E-D/I.T] My dad, after speaking with my mom, decided to give me ONE last chance..ONE LAST...if ANYTHING comes back BAD about me in ANY way, I'm gone the next day - 4pm [E/D.I-T]
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Monday, January 24th, 2005
1:24 pm	Today was a good day. Before school- Well like okay, my dad was a whore but whatever. I got to the HALL and like everyone was there, lol I sat down..didnt talk much..and then the bell rang, so I left with James and Sam M. lol then like we talked for a bit..and then Juan stared/looked at me...I was like -looks away- LOL but yeah.. 1st- borrrring dude. Notes= ew..and then like I had to share a book with soemone..and DUDE the story was sad Im like "-sniff-" 2nd- blah lol I went to kick the ball and MISSED. HAHA the ball is HUGE how the fuck could I miss?!!? LOL I amaze myself at times.. We lost 14 to 17 3rd- Whee lol Boring kinda too..the teacher is like 32yrs. old LOL and I changed it to 102!! lol YUS. 3rd-4th= Juan POKED me dude RAWR. And he picked me up! ..><;; 4th- lol boring lol..kinda...notes/quiz..I didnt knwo wtf to do lol 5th- Boring too lol but cool..since Chelsey, Sam, Naina, James, and Taylor are all in that class. Sam came and sat by me ^^ Idk what was wrong with James..he looked maaaad Lunch- Lunch was cooll...lol Sam got me some foooodd!! lol and James well..he like chuged some beer/liqour..I tried it...it tasted BAD, I didnt know wtf it was till after I tired it lol. lunch-> 6th. I was poked like HELL from Sam and SAM and Juan..LOL.. It was wicked wierd dude.. 6th- boring..notes BUT lol FUCK dude lol I poked Patrick and he's so ..idk wierd its really funny to see him like flinch LOL and dude EVERYONE was pokign me, Im like WTF dude lol THEY LIKED MY SOUNDS. and Kelsey was like "Do it again OMG!" Im like "no!!- is poked!!-" LOL 7th- lol dude Anum is PLAYING 3 guys, how wrong dude..lol but anyboo..its Sean's b-day tommorrow, and dude lol he's talking to me alot its wierd..and uhm yeah..teacher was SO pmsing! After school- Well uhm hugful..pokeful..muwhaha. Sam and steve fought teehee..and James nearly got sick, me too..damn beer shit!!! Now here..rents saw the REST of the scars on my arms..but oh well..lol Im good..another good day.. Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: Crying Out by Shinedown
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Sunday, January 23rd, 2005
6:37 pm	I was talking to chelsie earlier..about leaving my home..and something she mentioned got to me "Then why don't you?" I think I know why I dont.. 1) My braces..who would pay for them?..I mean..thats alot of money.. 2) Would I need to pay them rent or something? 3) Would I just bring a backpack..or like..pack or what? 4) Would they like me? 5) What if I wasnt perfect? there are to many questions. I guess Im just scared.. It would be new..and Im so used to everyone I live with..like..I would flinch if like there dad would hug me or something..cause I would think he was going to hurt me. Plus..It would take alot to get used to the family..and Idk what to do or how to react.. But..I'm making up my mind next friday..to go or stay..I need to talk to Jon about it all too..and J'en..and..well Idk.. Advice anyone? Im open to anything. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Im not Okay
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11:29 am	Lp Manders 16: something bad happened.. sammeixii: what Lp Manders 16: I was in the livgin room..and my mom asked what was on my ankle.. Lp Manders 16: I told her I was scratching to hard...and then my dad sked what..and he grabbed my ankle to look Lp Manders 16: and now they know..and now he's saying he's gunna send me to bush cause my FRIENDS are the ones that are like..my influence Lp Manders 16: I told him that they were helping me stop...then he's talking about sending me away permenantly Lp Manders 16: and then he told my mom to check and see where else I cut myself Lp Manders 16: and and I cant take it Lp Manders 16: they are all talking about how the only reason that people do it is because they have something wrong with them Lp Manders 16: and my moms asking whats wrong with me Lp Manders 16: and I do wanna go away.. sammeixii: away from what? Lp Manders 16: AWAY sammeixii: and what did you tell your mom Lp Manders 16: to another state! Lp Manders 16: school! Lp Manders 16: mental instatution@!!! sammeixii: what did you tell your mom Lp Manders 16: I told her Ive been doing it for a year..and I never answred her why I did it sammeixii: what are they going to do> sammeixii: *? Lp Manders 16: I have no fucking clue Lp Manders 16: my dad wants to send me away Lp Manders 16: my mom might agree with him sammeixii: does he honestly think that will help Lp Manders 16: I might go to bush Lp Manders 16: I guess he does Lp Manders 16: I told him u guys ARE helping me stop Lp Manders 16: and I am stopping Lp Manders 16: but he thinks Im a freak still sammeixii: your not a freak Lp Manders 16: I know sammeixii: and i hope you dont get sent away sammeixii: i think that would be worse Lp Manders 16: me too..if I do, Im fucking goijng to live with J'en or Jon Lp Manders 16: -crys- Lp Manders 16: Im so tired of it all sammeixii: *hug* sammeixii: i know and its not fair to you Lp Manders 16: -hugs back- Lp Manders 16: I wish they understood sammeixii: i dont know if they can sammeixii: what can i do? Lp Manders 16: ..just idk Lp Manders 16: my mom came to my door Lp Manders 16: and earlier..she was LAUGHING at me Lp Manders 16: but she was like "you're not cutting yourself again are you? dont make me strip search you..I'll have the doc do that" "No..I dont like peopel seeing my bod.." "then dont do thaat!" Lp Manders 16: then my dad came.. sammeixii: how can they laugh at you? sammeixii: for them to not care is just wrong Lp Manders 16: he was like "If I had better insurance I would send u in today..right now" "me :-still crying-" him "cause thats not right, you're fucked up in thew head -hit head-" "Me: Im stopping because of my friend" "you did it because of them>? "no im stopping" "you're still fucked up" Lp Manders 16: IDK even my dad said that her laughing wasnt right Lp Manders 16: but still Lp Manders 16: Aftbgrtrehire sammeixii: its ok Lp Manders 16: then my mom was asking if I did it for attention Lp Manders 16: Fuck no! Lp Manders 16: and then she asked if I did it because of my friends Lp Manders 16: Fuck no again! Lp Manders 16: gfsirghir sammeixii: they dont understand you sammeixii: did they ask if you did it because of them? sammeixii: because they are the root of the problem sammeixii: are you there? Lp Manders 16: gbireghr brb sammeixii: ... Lp Manders 16: No they didnt ask that Lp Manders 16: cause then they would want detail Lp Manders 16: I dont care to give it sammeixii: do they at least know that they dont help Lp Manders 16: no Lp Manders 16: I dont wanna tlak to them Lp Manders 16: I dont care anymore sammeixii: yes you do sammeixii: i know you do Lp Manders 16: just...fuck it all sammeixii: dont get like that Lp Manders 16: brb Lp Manders 16: gotta clean the kitchen to please my dad sammeixii: ; \ sammeixii: take care of yourself Lp Manders 16: I'll be fine, oh yeah I'll be great Lp Manders 16: just in the middle of a break down Lp Manders 16: but brb Lp Manders 16: I'll take my anger out on ythe dishes sammeixii: *sigh* we love you amanda Lp Manders 16: I know.. Lp Manders 16: UGH sammeixii: *hug* Lp Manders 16: -hugs back- Lp Manders 16: I had to tlak to my fuicking dad's mom Lp Manders 16: I DIDNT WANNA TALK TO ANYONE BUT MY FRIENDS sammeixii: have you told them to leave you alone Lp Manders 16: Ugh and she kept fuckin g telling me to see a counselor Lp Manders 16: No I cant, I just..I cant be mean Lp Manders 16: I want tio sammeixii: i understand Lp Manders 16: but UGH everythign! my dad SUSPECTS me of doing/I am doing HE GOES AND TELLS HIS MOMMIE sammeixii: because he cant deal with it Lp Manders 16: and my mom told me to watch what I say/do to him because he's runa nd cry to his mommie Lp Manders 16: Lol I laughed that she said that Lp Manders 16: cause its true sammeixii: hes an insecure person Lp Manders 16: uGH but still Lp Manders 16: Im not fucking going to a counselor Lp Manders 16: and she made me promise her Im not gunna do this anymore sammeixii: will you quit? Lp Manders 16: Yes but still Lp Manders 16: I dont want everyone involved Lp Manders 16: I DONT WANT ATTENTIOn sammeixii: i know Lp Manders 16: I want to be alone sammeixii: the people that want attention flaunt it once they have done it sammeixii: you try and hide it Lp Manders 16: I knwo I try to hide it..and when people ask I cover it up with lies sammeixii: i know you do Lp Manders 16: my dad guessed aboput 100 on my right ankle.. Lp Manders 16: then he saw my left and called me a fuck up Lp Manders 16: =\ sammeixii: hes a fuck up Lp Manders 16: I know sammeixii: are you crying? Lp Manders 16: Not anymore Lp Manders 16: I was for liekt he past hour Lp Manders 16: and I keep ..semi-crying sammeixii: let it out Lp Manders 16: I have been Lp Manders 16: I want Jon with em right now,.. sammeixii: i know
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Wednesday, January 19th, 2005
3:46 pm	My friend Candii made me this, it means a helllla fucking lot to me <333 "Why Amanda should live 1. I still have your Beethoven cd's. Who am I suppose to give them back to if you're not there? 2. P.E. would be so boring without you. 3. As hard as it seems to believe..the world does love you. 4. Six feet of dirt on you isn't the coolest feeling in the world. 5. Living an eternity with Satan can be kind of cruel. 6. Who can live without the color pink?! 7. Jon loves you dearly and I would hate to see him sad. 8. I just met you not to long ago, and I refuse to let you out of my life so quickly. 9. I've never had someone close to me go away forever. Just imagine how depressed I would be if you were first. 10. Who would I turn to if my world was crashing down? 11. Imagine a life without pixxie stixs. 12. All those years in Highschool and you're going to stop now? silly. 13. You're the only cool person I know who spells my name "candii". 14. I've never had the chance to hang out with you over the weekend. 15. I have one more year until I graduate, and I'd love for you to see me walk the stage and get my diploma. 16. Speaking of graduation, I want to be able to see you get your diploma too 17. Even though they don't show it enough sometimes, your mom and dad DO love you 18. My birthday is coming up. I'd be sad that day if I didn't see you. 19. Yogurt is so yummy! What would happen to the yogurt population if you weren't there to eat it? 20. You're a great friend and I love you dearly. Love, Candy" AWWWWWE dude that fucking lifts me up so much, and places a huge grin on my face. Thank you ever so much. And ..this morning..well whole day I wasnt to peachy keen.. I was REALLY shocked to see chelsie hug me, and amanda..that really..and then cat..yeah it was wierd.. Sam..I thank you oh so much Jon..thank you for being there... I rreally hope that I dont come off as wanting attention, cause I really fucking dont..why else was I telling people I was fine and keeping to myself?? I didnt fucking WANT attention. Yeah. I cried. I cried in Jon's arms.. =sighs- I feel like I failed everyone..every-fucking-one. Meh..but seriosuly..everyone made me feel better... Classes were semi-good too. P.e. I couldnt stop laughing..and Sean talked ot me alot, WIERD still. 3rd was REALLY fucked up..I was all dizzy and I kept passing out and my eyes wouldnt stop shaking..I wonder what happened.. Current Mood: confused Current Music: The Verve
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